The Old Man On The Mountain

A View From the Backwoods of NH

Walking Dead

How to Tell if Your Significant Other is a Member of the Walking Dead

With all the shows/movies/general discussions about zombies and such, I believe too much attention has been paid to the misconception that the walking dead are only interested in eating brains, are either faster than/slower than hell and are always angry. This does not happen to zombies in real life (although they DO like almost anything, can run/walk as well as get angry). No, the way to tell a zombie is by the smell – not just the external smell, but the internal as well.

I know, because my significant other was a zombie. I couldn’t tell at first, and then didn’t want to believe it – time in denial. But the evidence was there – a distinct odor in the air that could drop a Marine at 100 paces. Mixing it with an abundance of fresh air could cut back on the retch reflex, but straight up – it was truly the “smell of death. Here’s when I knew for sure –

While living together we naturally shared a bathroom, and while she would usually “do her business” at work, one morning it was unavoidable. She went in, did what she had to do and rushed out, shutting the door behind her (the first sign that I missed). We left for work right after (8:00 am) and didn’t get back until after 6:00pm. When I got inside I headed for the bathroom, opened the door, began to retch and was barely able to shut the door before it escaped (or I passed out).

It was obviously as fresh as when it was “dumped” there, with no dissipation, and this was not a human smell, but rather one of decomposition, like a rotting body. I imagine the walls (and anything else) were weeping at that point, So, with me in dire need of “the facilities” I requested that she go in, “open the window or something” while I went to the local bar to have a beer and relieve myself, giving plenty of time for that toxic waste to escape.

So that’s when I knew for sure. Over the years there were other experiences, some different and some similar to that, which were unleashed upon others, as well as myself. And I’ve run into “other” zombie leftovers as well – mostly at work (do ALL zombies wait until work?). So, don’t believe the “Hollywood” stories. Zombies have been around longer than you would imagine. And one may be your significant other.